she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
