the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
