i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
