What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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