Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
