Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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