My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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