Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
