whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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