matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
