I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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