I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you would pick up someone in the library
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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