so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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