why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
