he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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