So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
