dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
honey bunches of taint.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
