Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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