the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
