Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
