i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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