everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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