Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
