So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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