when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
