Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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