Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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