i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
