I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
