I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
