I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
