I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
pray to the hookup gods
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
