I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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