you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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