did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
