she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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