and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
