My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize