I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize