ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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