I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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