Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
