1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
