How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
