In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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