dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
