I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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