It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
