Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
