I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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