i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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