When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
