Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
