where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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