And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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