So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
