I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
