hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
