Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You are the jesus of drinking
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
